The Post-Apocalyptic World Sucks Balls

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“Sweet, I can’t wait until the SHTF and America is just like this Mumbai slum” – Said no one who has actually been to a Slum in Mumbai Question: If you really want to live in the post-apocalyptic world then why don’t you just move to Pakistan?

Answer: Cuz It sucks balls there.

With 5000 “friends” on Facebook I see all sorts of “tough guy” nonsense flash across my news feed every day. Lately I've been seeing this “would you survive the post-apocalyptic world?” Q&A tests where you answer some mind-numbing multiple choice questions and, BAM, you can proclaim that you and Robert Neville will rule the wastelands.

This is of course followed by “Fuck Yeah bro, I’ll be shooting and looting in the post-apocalyptic world. It’s gonna’ be awesome” by whoever took this test. Next comes a legion of other people also saying something to the effect of “I can’t wait for this to happen” to “it is only a matter of time before it collapses and it can’t come sooner” in the comments below.

Now obviously this is just internet bravado that has spilled over from forums to Facebook, but there are quite a large amount of people in the tactical/prepper community that honestly believe there would be nothing better than to have the SHTF and the US plunge to some sort of Mad Max style post- apocalyptic wasteland. In fact, I am sure many of them are reading this right now as they relax during their post refractory period after jacking-it to Night of the Living Dead.

Well, if you want to live in the post-apocalyptic world it is only a plane ticket away folks. Pick any shitty 3rd world country where the “President” wears Ray-Bans and pack your bags. Besides being born in a post-war impoverished (at that time) 3rd world country, I just spent the past decade living and working in the post-apocalyptic world in places like Iraq and a dozen other impoverished countries.

And guess what folks? It is not nice.

All the stuff you see in your favorite post-apocalyptic movies is going on right now as you read this article – gang rapes, militias run by psychos who used to repair fax machines before the war, 3 day police response (but you would never call them anyway because they will also rob you), no food, no clean water, no medicine, no job, dally raids by hordes of bandits and people trading cat blubber for 10 minutes of electricity so they can charge their iPod.

And this is not even including coming home to find out that some guy in the next village over blew up your house for the 8th time because your father's, cousin's, sister's, uncle's, niece's husband killed his cousin's, sister's, uncle's, 2nd cousins-brother-in-law in 1936. But don’t worry, your wife and daughter didn't get killed. He sold them to another village for two boxes of 9mm.

Do you still feel like packing your family up and heading to Angola so you can live in the post-apocalyptic world?

So as exciting as it sounds to drive a dune buggy wearing football shoulder pads with a bleach-blond gal wearing a leather thong hanging off the side shooting people with a crossbow through the remains of your town, in practice there are a lot of downsides. Just ask the average Joe in Mogadishu, no, not that guy, the fella with one arm because he sneezed while General, President, Dr., Prime Minister, Supreme Ruler “Mad Dog” Mobuto was giving a speech and it was macheted off as a punishment for interrupting.

After working in Iraq and other war torn 3rd world countries and seeing what a miserable hell hole the post-apocalyptic world is, all I can do is let out a big old sigh every time I hear someone says they wish the apocalypse would happen. Quite frankly here in America I thank Ronald McDonald every time I drink a clean bottle of water I bought at Walmart and come home to a house that has not been burned down by marauders.

Why the hell would anyone subject themselves, no less hope and pray that someday, they will live in the post- apocalyptic world when hot pizza is a phone call away and you can spend Sundays hitting on the single moms at Starbucks instead?

Wait… I just got an email for a gig that pays $18,500.00 a month to live in Afghanistan and run security convoys.

Never mind, forget everything I just said.

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~James "ARCHER" Price

Founder – Editor in Chief DVM

James P. is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Southeast Asia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and selling out to the highest bidder.