MOVIES: G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra Review – FU

Thanks For Taking a Big Fat Dump on an American Icon for a Few Bucks Mr. Hollywood

G-I-Joe-The-Rise-of-Cobra
G-I-Joe-The-Rise-of-Cobra

After finding “The Pit” schematics from Soldier Systems I was hit by a wave of G.I. Joe nostalgia so strong I finally decided to break down and watch the G.I. Joe live action flick despite knowing it would make me sad. Now considering how huge a fan of G.I. Joe I am most people would probably think that I have already watched it.

Well, after being disappointed beyond words after watching the Transformers movies I decided to save myself the sorrow and skip the G.I. Joe Movie. Plus after I heard Channing Tatum who plays “Duke” say that he originally didn’t want to do the movie because it glorified the wars (and presumably the soldiers also) in Iraq and Afghanistan I had about zero interest in seeing that douchebag playing one of my favorite Joe characters.

Anyway, I strolled down to the local Hajji Shop here in Iraq and picked up a copy of G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra, grabbed a chicken and dumplings MRE and hesitantly hit the play button.

A little over an hour later I felt like crying (fortunately Old School Men do not cry) or immediately burning the DVD. This monstrosity of a movie sucked balls in so many ways the internet is not near large enough for me to call out every one in this article.

But – I will go ahead and list out the main things that annoyed/made me sad/angry:

GI-JOE-UNIFORMS
GI-JOE-UNIFORMS

Apparently the writers and producers of this movie said “let’s throw away all of the character backgrounds that G.I. Joe fans love and know and just make up some simple generic characters that are not even close to the originals - Fuck the fans”

In this train-wreck of a flick:

- The Baroness was Duke’s ex-girlfriend who had been injected with mind controlling nano-machines to make her “bad”

- Scarlett's entire background consisted of a single line about her graduating college early

- Heavy Duty was a gay British dude

- Ripcord was a jet pilot/SF operator (WTF?)

- Duke had no background outside of being the former boyfriend of the Baroness (pre-evil nano machine brain control)

- Storm Shadow (the Japanese Ninja) was played by a Korean Soap Opera Star

I could go on forever about this (and don’t even get me started on Snake Eyes) but I will stop now before my brain pops out of my head.

Oh… and none of them wore anything resembling their original character uniform (except Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, admittedly their uniforms were petty faithful to the originals). Now you may think that’s no big deal, but each individual G.I. Joe uniform was an extremely important part of each character in both the comic and the series.

For them to dress up Joes in “been used in every action movie” gay looking black vinyl ninja uniforms, urban-camo (what is it 1985 again?) and the Satan of all camos MultiCam (more on that later) was fucking stupid.

And everything else you remembered form the Comic or Series – yep, they left that out also.

Yes Sir, a big fat “Fuck You” from the writers to the fans.

UN-Peacekeepers
UN-Peacekeepers

This was the part that really made my blood boil, in the movie G.I. Joe is NOT a US military unit made up of America's finest soldiers (the back-story G.I. Joe has been using for like 50 years).

It is some sort of non-nation specific international force called “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity = G.I.J.O.E.” that is based out of Egypt. Any mention of G.I. Joe as an American fighting unit was thrown completely out of the window.

Yep – they basically turned G.I. Joe into a United Nations peacekeeping force that is based out of a country without women's rights and has a president that is basically a dictator.

Really?

I am not one of those “everything must be American” type of guys, I enjoy military movies featuring fighting forces from around the world so don’t go thinking I am pissed because they had Brits and French guys as Joes (well, the French Joe… never mind).

But G.I. Joe is an American icon that was specifically created to be an American Soldier – the tag-line of G.I. Joe is “G.I. Joe a Real American Hero” not “G.I. Joe a Real non-specific International Multi-Nation Peacekeeping Force Hero”.

G.I. Joe is as American as Apple Pie and credit card debt, so why the hell would they want to distance G.I. Joe from being American?

Easy - Money, the studio was obviously concerned ticket sales would not be high in countries that don’t like the U.S. so they changed G.I. Joe from a “Real American Hero” to a “non-specific nation quasi-military force” so the movie would still appeal to people and markets that hate America (this is alluded to in several articles).

So that was a big fat “Fuck You” from the writers to America.

MultiCam
MultiCam

So what is the only thing the communists making this movie could have done to truly make this flick a nightmare to watch? How about an entire opening action scene where an Army unit wears MultiCam uniforms?

Why pray tell were U.S. Military soldiers operating in Eastern Europe wearing MultiCam uniforms (even at the cost of thousands of dead Kittens*)?

Well, they could not wear U.S. Army ACU’s or U.S. Flag Patches because that would make them look like the U.S. Army Soldiers they were. And you can’t show American Soldiers wearing an American Military Uniform or Patch in your movie if you want to sell tickets in countries that dislike America.

Now putting my dislike for MultiCam aside – what I don’t understand is why Crye Associates would even allow their patented Camo to be used in a movie for the purposes of making American Soldiers look less American so they can make money from people that hate America. At a minimum Crye Associates should have put a disclaimer on their website that they were in no way involved in the selection of MultiCam for the G.I. Joe movie.

I guess for some Americans their patriotism does have a price – and that price is a 7 Dinar movie ticket.

This particular “Fuck You” arrives COD from the producers, the studio and greed.

*Every time someone wears MultiCam God Kills a Kitten

Destro-looks-dumb
Destro-looks-dumb

Besides all of the above; this was just a bad movie all around. They stole ideas from other movies (Iron Man in particular), there were plot holes large enough to drive an MRAP through, continuity errors, flat and stereotypical acting, bad die jobs (Scarlett apparently goes to Supercuts for colorings) and just plain stupid shit (nano-machine mind control? Really?)

The worst part is, this could have been a great movie considering the writers and producers had tons of great material from the comic and series to work with, hell the Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes thing could have been a movie by itself.

But no, in order to cater to people who basically represent everything the Joes are against they took a big fat dump on and American icon like G.I. Joe just to make a bad movie and a few bucks.

Shame on them for making this pile of dog-shit and calling it G.I. Joe

US_flag_burning
US_flag_burning

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~James G Founder - Editor in Chief

James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long; he has traveled to over 50 countries chasing fortune and glory. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and still collecting G.I. Joe figures. James G. on FACEBOOK