Douchebag Contractors Circa 1864
Please Read CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Douchebag Contractors first
After the surprisingly huge reaction and popularity of “CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Douchebag Contractors” we have decided to make this a once a month regular feature (its not like I will run out of material). I say “surprisingly” because I thought I was the only one that noticed and kept track of the various incarnations of the Contractorous Douchebagnus.
Also from the comments I found out that the Contractorous Douchebagnus has a close genetic cousin in the military, the ‘Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus’ (the Douchebag Military Soldier). Now that I think about it I have seen and worked with the Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus but because I am a contractor I just walked away whenever I ran into one of these oxygen thieves.
So if there are any Active Duty Military guys here that would like to write an article on the different versions of the Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus please contact me HERE.
But in the meantime we will continue covering the Douchebag Contractor in all his douchebagness. Below I have listed out 4 more species of the Contractorous Douchebagnus – enjoy.
The “Sand in the Vagina” Contractorous Douchebagnus
This is one of the most annoying incarnations of the Contractorous Douchebagnus, no matter what happens, good or bad; this guy will bitch about it for hours. If he hit the lotto for 900 trillion he would bitch and moan about having to drive to the lotto office during rush-hour.
You can spot the “Sand in the Vagina” Contractorous Douchebagnus a mile away at any team or staff meeting. He is the guy who lets out a loud sigh, rolls his eyes and shifts in his seat every 10 seconds the ENTIRE time. Just sitting beside this guy during any sort of briefing makes you want to strangle him.
The mere mention of doing any work or going the extra mile to do the job correctly gets a sigh and angry “ok, I’ll do it” response.
And when you ask him “dude, you are a contractor, if you are so unhappy here then why don’t you just go home?” he will get angry at you and make some excuse or act like he doesn’t know what you are talking about (but the real reason is he is broke and no one will employ his complaining ass CONUS).
This Douchebag is usually in his late 40’s, has leathery skin, is ex Army, is an alcoholic, has an untrimmed mustache and chain smokes.
The “Chicken Shit” Contractorous Douchebagnus
Generally speaking I don’t hate the Contractorous Douchebagnus, I understand they are just something that you have to deal with if you want to work in this business.
But there is one form of the Contractorous Douchebagnus that I truly hate down to my bones; The “Chicken Shit” Contractorous Douchebagnus. This piece of cat cock is making a fat 6-fig salary working in a war zone but he avoids, passes the buck or outright refuses to leave the Green Zone.
This fucker thinks he can come over to a place like Iraq, make a ton of cash, hang out on base taking hot showers and eating hot meals and never Pay the Piper. This guy doesn’t care if the Military unit or project he is supporting will suffer, just as long as he can stay safe on base.
You will rarely find this sack of shit on security or base services contracts because on those contracts they fire anyone that refuses to go outside the wire. Where you will find 99% of the “Chicken Shit” Contractorous Douchebagnus is on IT contracts, especially on the IT contracts that require a high security clearance and top tier IT certs to get hired onto.
Things like refusing to learn how use a gun, refusing to travel by land, refusing to travel by rotary wing, refusing to fly by fixed wing, refusing to leave their room because a mortar came in 4 hours ago are all common things the “Chicken Shit” Contractorous Douchebagnus will do (I have personally witnessed the above X100).
The “White Power” Contractorous Douchebagnus
I was about 1 year into my first contract in the Middle East when I met my first “White Power” Contractorous Douchebagnus. Our logistics guy called me to let me know I had a new roommate and asked me to show him the ropes.
So when I walked into my villa I was met by this dude with tatted up forearms who said “where do all the white people hang out?” - I just started laughing and said “I don’t know dude, the Officers club” – he didn’t get my joke and went back to pacing the TV room.
He ended going on and on about the master race to just about every white guy on the contract, the other white guys started avoiding him like the plague because they didn’t want to become collateral damage should one of the black dudes on the contract decide to frag him.
Anyway, over the years I have run into a ton of these scholars from Bagdad to Bombay – the one thing they all have in common is they all pretty much end up marrying some dark skinned local gal or Filipino maid.
And the guy I mentioned above? One day he showed up to work looking like he had a fight with a rhinoceros and walking like his ass hurt. He ended up quitting a day later, I later heard that he was in Iraq – the next story I expect to hear about him will surely involve him getting shot 28 times in the back… on base.
The “Bodybuilding.com” Contractorous Douchebagnus
Besides the skin tight Bodybuilding.com t-shirt that this tool wears everyday you can spot a “Bodybuilding.com” Contractorous Douchebagnus by the Frankenstein like way he walks around the PX and the workout notebook (because he can’t remember how many reps he did on his buddy) in his back pocket.
Note: 99% of the time the “Bodybuilding.com” Contractorous Douchebagnus is also a “Tough Guy” Contractorous Douchebagnus or some mil REMF fag.
When not making a scene in the gym by grunting and groaning, saying “yes Jeff, you got it baby, one more rep” and doing totally awesome Muscle Milk body shots off the abs of some other Douchebag, he is usually found never talking to women and jacking-off to Flex magazine.
A “Bodybuilding.com” Contractorous Douchebagnus will also deny that he uses steroids (procured by his company or unit LN translator) until they are red in the face - despite the fact the he weighed 130 pounds when arriving in-country 6 months ago (and now weighs 260).
Fell free to add your stories about working with the “Sand in the Vagina”, “Chicken Shit”, “White Power” or “Bodybuilding.com” Contractorous Douchebagnus in the comments below.
Whoever has the funniest story will win a Contractorous Douchebagnus Party Pack that includes a Massengill Disposable Douche Baby Powder Fresh, White Flag to wave, copy of Mein Kampf and a Half Drank Container of Muscle Milk.*
~James G Founder - Editor in Chief
James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and snorting Muscle Milk.
*No you won’t really win all that shit