Civilian Contractor Middle East job recruiting poster
Contractorous Douchebagnus 1. A person employed as a civilian contractor in an overseas environment who acts superior to everyone despite being a total douchebag himself. 2. A person employed in the above vocation who is so insecure he overcompensates by attempting to act like a SF-bad Ass despite having a military background working at the DFAC.
On the first security contract I ever worked on way back in the day I was greeted by this sack-of-shit guy who was assigned to pick up new guys at the airport. The following is the first conversation I ever had with another civilian contractor:
- Douchebag Contractor: “You James?” - James G.: “yep, how’s it going’ (extending my hand) - Douchebag Contractor: “grab your shit, lets go” (looked at my hand and walked away) - James G.: “Errr.. hey man, I have like 3 bags plus the 4 lockers of stuff they sent with me for you guys” - Douchebag Contractor: “Goddamnit ok” (grabs my backpack angrily wile huffing and puffing, leaves me with the large bags and lockers wile he smokes in the pickup).
And that was my introduction to the world of contracting douchebags, and don’t think this story is unique – I have heard it a hundred times from a hundred other guys.
As much as I love working as a Civilian Contractor I am the first one to admit that this line of work probably has the highest ratio of douchebags to cool guys than any other vocation. It seems like every angry insecure guy that had a mommy who didn’t breast feed him enough has somehow found their way into contracting.
Considering that working as a Civilian Contractor probably has some of the best benefits out of any other line of work I cant figure out why so many contractors are such douchebags - they should be happy (I am).
- Six-Figure salary? - Check
- 3 to 5 months off a year paid? - Check
- Job Security? – Check
- Get to work with other cool like minded guys? – Check
- Despite the fact I have a great tax free job I will still be a complete douchebag to everyone? – Check
Below I have listed out the 7 most common variants of the Contractorous Douchebagnus
The “Fat Ass” Contractorous Douchebagnus
Despite being disgustingly overweight this guy thinks he is a complete and total bad ass tough guy. This douche will tell you BS war stories about all the “ops” he has been on wile stuffing his fat face with hot dogs straight from the pack.
Just mentioning the fact that he makes Jabba The Hut look anorexic will set off his insecurity alarm to an uncontrollable level. Common responses to “you are fat” are:
"I am pure muscle underneath" "I don’t need to be thin to shoot you" "I’ll show you how fat I am when I kick your ass" "Who’s fat?" "You going to finish that sandwich?" “ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz”
The "been there done that" Contractorous Douchebagnus
This is one of the most annoying types of the Contractorous Douchebagnus because they make you want to slit your wrists after listening to the same “when we were in Haiti in 93” responses to everything. No matter what you have done in your job/life it is nothing compared to what he has done.
-You are a former Navy SEAL? -He worked with DELTA (installing cable TV)
-You went on leave in Bangkok? -He did that back in 87’ – 4 TIMES!!!!
-You have saved 100K this year -He… is silent because despite working as a contractor for 18 years non-stop he is broke
The "older than dirt" Contractorous Douchebagnus
You can spot these guys a mile away, they are always retired Army, have leathery skin, chain smoke Merit ultra lights and always somehow manage to “yes man” their way into a supervisors spot. They are also raging alcoholics and still wear the BCG sunglasses that were issued to them in 73.
And despite being in a combat arms MOS in the Army for 20 years they don’t have a CIB, but that doesn’t stop them from “implying” that they saw action. More than likely the only ”action” they have ever seen was in a Mexican go-go bar or through a pair of binoculars.
Note: This type of Contractorous Douchebagnus always has a minimum of one Filipino or Korean ex-wife
The “tough guy” Contractorous Douchebagnus
This guy is usually between the ages of 22 and 29, they probably have some sort of combat arms or law enforcement background and currently work on the security side of contracting. The standard response to anything you say is: “Fucking blah, blah, blah…” wile frowning and looking “tough”.
The mere mention of some unnecessarily dangerous mission gets his blood moving because he wants to “get some” or “kill some tangos” - wile the older experienced guys are thinking "lets plan this a little better"
When they walk through the PX they have to flex their arms out, walk like they have a potato up their ass and yank stuff off the racks and throw it in their basket. Because tough guys don’t just place the latest copy of Flex Magazine in their basket – they slam it in wile looking in the other direction. Yeah! Get Some! Argggg!!!
The “street person” Contractorous Douchebagnus
Just about every contract has one of the turd-balls, 9 times out of 10 they are the logistics or supply guy. If you saw them back in the states your first reaction would be to give them your spare change or the directions to the local soup kitchen.
Despite the fact they look like a someone who sleeps in a cardboard box they are always talking about “all the ass” they get. First you think they are full of shit, but then you see them walking around town with some Filipino gal who looks like someone hit her in the face with a shovel.
Apparently the "uglier and older" = "the better" with this group, how they feel like a “stud” because they bang these monsters is anyone’s guess.
The "gangster" Contractorous Douchebagnus
When most people pack a suitcase for a job in the Middle East they bring sturdy clothing. Not this group, baggy jeans that hang off their ass and over-sized sports jerseys are the first thing that gets packed.
Walking around base with a swisher sweet hanging out of their mouth wile wearing unlaced Timberlands isn’t complete without talking so loud that people in Iran can hear them.
The "I have an ounce of power so now I am god" Contractorous Douchebagnus
This is one of the biggest douchebags in all of contracting, when they were just a regular guy on the contract they were ok to be around. But the second they get promoted into an unpaid supervisor slot they become mad with power. For them this is their chance to “get back” at everyone who beat them up in high school.
And now that they have been promoted do they try to fix things so the line guys will have it a bit easier?
Hell no, instead they say; “I used to do the same job, f-them”
Yep, just like that they turn their backs on every guy they used to work with.
This is by no means the concise list of all the different types of Contractorous Douchebagnus. I could probably write a 4000 page article just on these jack-offs but the above were the first that popped into my mind.
Feel free to post any other types of Contractorous Douchebagnus in the comments
~James G Founder - Editor in Chief
James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and and making up fake Dog Latin words.