"I Do Not Use Product on my Hair or Drive a Toyota Prius – I Use hair Tonic (98% pure alcohol) and I Drive a Tank… and I just killed 8 people so screw off." ~Mr. Lee Marvin (February 19, 1924 – August 29, 1987) Old School Man x100000000
Continuing from "Habits of the Old School Man – Part 1" we are going to go over 11 more Old School Man Habits. So yank up your lo-rise jeans and throw out your glass of vanilla vodka and 7-UP because you are about to get a kick in the nuts that will man you up.
On the last article we learned many of the habits and beliefs of the Old School man; Loyalty, Drinking Booze, Smoking, Hunting, Cursing and Fighting. So now that we know crying or smoking filtered cigarettes are big no-no’s for the old school man and fighting isn’t barbaric like the “sensitive man” believes (because sometimes you just have to knock some fool out) - lets move on.
So for all the guys out there who are tired of living in the nanny state, this list is for you. Below I have compiled a list of 11 more Habits of the Old School Man. So pour a glass of Scotch and fire up a stogie and get your Old School read on.
As you can guess tight-ass t-shirts and low-rise jeans are not only a fashion no-no for the Old School Man, they are a recipe for a beating and possible man-rape in certain parts of town.
The Old School Man wears practical yet fashionable clothing - jeans, a good suit or a simple black t-shirt are the classics. Things like Cargo Pants, Safari Shirts, Fedoras and pastel colored shirts are also ok under the right circumstances.
Old School men Are NOT Allowed to Wear The Following:
- Fanny packs
- T-Shirts that are so tight you can see man-nipple
- Desert Combat Boots and Jeans combo
- The 5.11 Tuxedo outside of a war zone
- Anything “Low-Rise” or excessively tight
- Capri Pants (added by Tom "Tomahawk" M)
- crocks (also added by Tom "Tomahawk" M)
Before you buy a piece of clothing ask yourself this “Would Clint Eastwood or Steve McQueen wear this?”
Or even better, “Would anyone on the TV show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy Wear This?”
Certain Old School Men can wear jewelry, but not all of them, this has a lot to due with your ethnicity and general “look”
For example Italian men can wear a diamond pinky ring and it totally works for them – its Old School Mobster, but if some Asian guy was wearing one it would look gay.
The same goes with necklaces, on that same Asian guy a heavy gold necklace with the right clothing and attitude would look Triad Gangster style – but if a fat white guy wore one it would look guido.
Basically the Old School Man has to be very careful about jewelry, it could enhance his Manliness, or make him totally look stupid. And even if the Old School Man can get away with wearing jewelry, moderation is key – don’t OG (Overdose on Gold).
When other pansy men are ordering low-carb meals the Old School Man orders red meat, rare. Ordering off the menu so he can stay on his “diet” is not something the Old School Man does. In fact he does not diet, because dieting and watching your figure is something women do.
If he can avoid it, the Old School Man will not consume too many vegetables, but when he does eat a salad he puts Ranch Dressing and Bacon on it, he leaves the “light” dressing for his date or children.
The only thing better than eating a big fat rare steak is eating something that the Old School Man has killed and butchered himself.
“Going to the Grocery Store” is grabbing a gun, hopping in his truck and shooting something on four legs – Not getting into a powder blue minivan and driving to a natural foods market and buying alfalfa sprouts and chicken breasts.
Because there is only one type of breasts that go into an Old School Mans mouth, and they sure as shit don’t come from a chicken.
*Note All Old School Man food is cooked over an open fire
Whenever an Old School Man sees some metrosexual man-girl in a Toyota Prius he wants to run it over in his gas guzzling SUV. The only type of 2 door car that the Old School man is allowed to drive is an American Made muscle car, preferably a Ford mustang – forest green is the color of choice for the bullitt fans out there.
The Old School Man is not allowed to drive any vehicle that gets more than 8 miles a gallon and if it is a smoke churning diesel, even better. And an 8-cylinder engine is generally the rule, owning a 4 cylinder car is an excuse for other Old School Men to kick you in the nuts.
Owning at least one 4WD SUV is mandatory, owning a pick-up is acceptable if the Old School Man lives on his farm or works in construction. Generally speaking owning a pick-up wile living in a city is frowned upon by other Old School Men because you give up 2 seats that could be used for the ladies or giving your buddy's a lift. (Disregard the above if you have a 4 door pick-up)
Firefighter, Police officer, Soldier, Astronaut, Add-Man, Welder, Professional Fighter, Mercenary, Explorer or Millionaire Businessman – these are the jobs Old School Men have or are working towards.
Working in a cubicle pushing TPS reports from the in box to the out box and taking shit from some fat ass-hole supervisor is completely unacceptable. The only time an Old School man is allowed to work in an Office Building is if he is guarding it, owns it, or is demolishing it with a wrecking ball.
The Following Jobs Are Under NO Circumstances Allowed to be Held by an Old School Man:
- Ballet Dancer
- Personal Shopper
- Nurse (unless working in a war zone)
The Following Jobs Are Questionable:
- Boys Camp Counselor
- In an unsigned Rock Band over the age of 40
The Old School Man has well groomed hair that was cut by a barber with a pair of stainless steel scissors sitting in a jar full of blue water. Old School Men use hair tonic that smells like pure rubbing alcohol.
Using hair styling products like mousse, orange and lily scented jell or any 140 dollar hair product is not only a waist of money that could be spent on knives or power tools, it is way fruity and another reason why the fema-man may get man-raped.
A Note About ponytails: This is a hard one to call, some… let me repeat this: SOME men can get away with the slicked back hair and ponytail. Pretty much you have to be Italian, Asian or Steven Seagal to pull this one off without looking like a girl.
If you have gray hair or you are over the age of 40, the ponytail is also a no go zone for you unless you live in an old VW van.
If you are ginger and you have long ass hair and a ponytail you will look like carrot-top so don't go there.
These are some other Old School Man Habits that I didn’t include due to keeping the article at a reasonable length or because they wouldn’t fill up an entire section.
The Old School Man always carries a pocketknife
He also carries a cloth handkerchief, it is not only classy but great for gagging people before throwing them in a car trunk.
CRYSTAL SCOTCH GLASSES
All Old School Men own a set of crystal scotch glasses
Every Old School Man owns a Zippo lighter
Carrying a flask is an Old School Man habit from the very first day distilling spirits was discovered. Today it is actually illegal for a man to carry a flask in most parts of the US, as it is considered to be the equivalent of carrying an open container in public. But I really don’t give a shit, I carry my flask everyday.
~James G Founder - Editor in Chief
James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns and writing poorly written articles.